My daughter has her father’s eyes. Every once in a while, an expression will cross her face that carries such a strong echo of his that it takes me by surprise. It’s most striking when she is making a face like “oh, really?” One of her eyebrows bends upwards and it’s almost like he is looking out at me.
She hasn’t seen her dad since she was in grade school. She is now half-way through college and will soon be heading to Germany (as I write this) for this coming fall semester. She carries the best of him in her — a curiousity, a sharp mind and an easy way with people. And she also carries the wound of his abandonment. There was a time that she feared he was dead. I didn’t know which would be more painful for my sweetpea child — to live with that fear or to know that he lived down the block (which he did at the time as far as I could tell) but wasn’t able to choose being in her life over drinking. And so I just reassured her as best I could that they would find us and tell us if something ever happened to him, and that he loved her but wasn’t well and wasn’t able to be with her.
There may come a day that she chooses to seek him out. We are in another state now, so it may not be easy. (Although odds are good that he is still in that same bar…) If that ever does happen, I wonder what her eyes will see and what his will see back. Will they each see a glimpse of themselves, painfully, in each other? Will he have the courage to look square at her, and own up to his failure? Will she be freed from the burden of not being good enough to save him?
a word in small letters 
I love that even though this man that is Fiona’s Father has not been in her life and knowing that it pains her – you find compassion in your heart for him. Fiona does indeed bear scares from lack of the other parent, but she also is a person who holds on to hope quite fiercely.
Thank you, my darling. Fiona is blessed to have you in her life, helping me help her finish her preparation for adulthood well.
mmm. A man had his father’s walk, my friend said, even though his father died before he was born. And- that “Not being good enough to save him”- Oh! Er, knowing all the effort was worth taking, anyway, might help.
Ah… genetic, transferred likenesses and characteristics… I like to think that we are ALL connected alike, even when we can’t see it so clearly.
I am so blessed to watch this child grow in and around and through her “goodness.” Which is, indeed, enough.
Fiona is an inspiration to me…………..I am so glad I have been able to see even from a far her journey into adulthood. She has an amazing mom and it shows.
Thank you, Lynda. 🙂 That is high praise coming from you!
I, too, am now watching from afar. She is in Germany, for another 6 weeks still, and the apron strings are (as I wanted, but oh, painfully) breaking loose…