door # .... ?

door # …. ?

I’m skipping a student film screening to write this post, and I don’t want to regret that. So I’m choosing not to.


I decided to go to a big family reunion recently, putting aside several trepidations to do so. I definitely don’t regret that. I’d very much like to choose to go to the next one too, assuming another one happens. I suspect that those of my parents’ generation are waiting for all of us cousins—and there are a lot of us!—to pick up some of the heavy lifting of the planning. It gets harder for them every time, I think. I’m so grateful that they’ve given us all a structured reason to try to get together every few years.


My new glasses are not bifocals. I didn’t think I was ready for bifocals, that it wasn’t time. Surely I’m not old enough! That was a mistake. The eye doctor  knew it too. She said she’d put the info in my file just in case I needed it down the road. I’ll choose differently next year.


A few years ago I decided to try a bloody mary. And then a beer. I spent a long time afterwards feeling both regret and gratitude that I had spent all those years (17!) not drinking. Regret that I had inadvertently created distance from some amazing people, with actual or emotional (or both) barriers. Regret for any self-righteousness I wielded. Gratitude for all the wisdom I learned in those years, and for all the good people I met. Today, it’s simple. I accept that it was my choice to abstain for a season (or three!), and I embrace my later choice to embark on a new chapter.


I’ve been told that sometimes it seems I make choices by default, waiting until the passing of time has closed off all forks in the road but one. I do tend to do some of my heavy thinking in the background—bubbling on the back burner, as they say—and I prefer to wait until I have all the facts. That’s a fine choosing process; it just isn’t ideal for all situations. So recently I’ve been practicing other ways of making choices, to add to—not replace—my preferred way. My journal is my almost-constant companion these days. I’m in therapy. Again. I read a novel by the pool this summer. I turn off npr sometimes and listen to silence in my car. I’ve been talking with my brother and my parents more often. (My sister and I have ebbed and flowed some over the years, but we always talk. Always. Love you, Sees.) I’ve been noticing all the opportunities around me to try new things. And they do abound, both in my work environment and in my cool town. Like taking a cheese-making class. Like tonite’s film screening, that is just about ending now, without me there in the audience. (Choices don’t have to be rigid!) Like: I’m finally learning twitter. (Just for work so far. But watch out!)


That’s just a (partial) list of simple choices. (Well, therapy isn’t exactly a simple choice…) But they each somehow build and influence the others. And I don’t quite know how it works, but I sense that they do help inform other, less simple, choices that come my way.

~     ~     ~     ~


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4 Responses to choices

  1. asil16 says:

    Elegantly shared, as always. Love you, Sees. Thanks for always being by my side (whichever side it happens to be at the time!)

  2. sandra says:

    You’re just so amazing…..

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